Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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