everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize