This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
