I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize