It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
