im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
