Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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