I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
