Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
