Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
