go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
