Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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