my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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