do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
