there's paper in my vomit.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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