so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
