he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
