He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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