Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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