I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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