Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
