I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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