are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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