I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
cat food counts as protein by the way
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
