Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
