I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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