The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
