sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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