If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
