Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Blow job season was short but glorious.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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