that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize