Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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