i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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