I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
