This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
