I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
