plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
