smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
