Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
