i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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