Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
