if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
