the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
