I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
