i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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