This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
