He told me they were just razor bumps!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
