Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
