Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
