I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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