My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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