It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
