I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
