Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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