apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
