The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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