my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
