In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize